Tuesday, April 23, 2013

April 23, 2013

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Exactly around this time of year, last year, I was going through some personal tribulations in my life which inspired me to write this little poem here:

Daylight is an old man sitting outside the jagged shack...
Hand on cane chin on hand.
And his old soul is a butterfly sitting in the brink of time.
A moment decisive. And me too--tested has been the day.
Empty handed I befall lips sealed windswept
I am the old man.

Then I wrote: "Have you ever felt this way before?... And I was struck all at once how life was out there going through its regular courses, and I was caught in its whirlpool; suspended, waiting, caught in a cell within a cell; between living my life and not living it the way I want to live it... I know... there will be better days... "

I'm astound and thankful and incredibly humbled reading this now a year later. At how much it has happened in my life since then, and how God had had to work in me through tribulations and anguish so that I could finally have a chance to live my dream.

I knew back then, that the life I was living was not what I wished or wanted it to be, but I was unable to break free from the circumstances that were hurting me. I was bent and broken; yet I discovered I have an amazing ability to adapt. I can get used to anything, however uncomfortable, unhealthy or unwanted. I recognized the pain; I knew that I wanted something better, yet, fear of change paralyzed me and stopped me from taking action to achieve a fulfilling life. God needed to intervene.

Getting out of a bad situation it is incredibly difficult. Change is scary, even if you know that changing will put you in a better place. Nevertheless, I still waited upon the Lord; waited for Him to work in me that what I wasn't able to do for me. Faith kept me wishing. And I knew. Somehow I knew that there were better days ahead in my future.
And that future of then is now my "today". I am living yesterday's dream; and it is just exactly as I had dreamed it. This doesn't mean, however, that the transition that took place in my life was easy, or what I had expected it to be. Before the freedom and before the light, there was a lapse of terrifying darkness and fear which created a great deal of suffering in me. I could not see how God was guiding me through this awful period in my life. I could not understand how God's plans for my life was going to evolve. There are times when the Lord will lead you in directions you never imagined. He can come up with plans for our lives that are very distinct. Yet, He always has the best plan.
Perhaps I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be happy. I may not be bound to succeed among the powerful, but I am bound to live by the light that I have and bound to a full recovery from the past and from old pain and a fractured sense of self.

Give Him time and, as surely as dawn follows night, there will break upon the heart a sense of certainty that cannot be shaken. --Amy Carmichael

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